thanks to everyone who replied and to anyone who prayed all of this stuff that i\'ve done had me down. i hoped i could ask forgivness, be pulled out of the hole, and everything would be normal. What i realized, is sometimes stubborn people like me have to be pushed to the edge before they will just hand it all over. i think i was still trying to hold on to everything, at least a little bit. When i finally was broken to the point that i was willing to hand it over to Him, He came to my rescue. He brought me out of the depression i\'d sunken into, and has pretty much given me the motivation to go on and work on fixing what i\'ve messed up. I\'ve been forgiven, now i just have to make sure i don\'t fall away again. thanks again to anyone who prayed.... who knows where i\'d be {or wouldn\'t be} if you hadn\'t.