ok, Im not sure if I'm really looking for advice so much as for anyone who has been here and knows what Im going through. I'm 20yrs old and I feel stupid for feeling the way I do, but none the same I cant help but feel that way. I've never had a good family atmosphere. My parents divorced when I was 18 months old. My real dad was abusive both physically emotionally and sexually until I was 12yrs old. His family shunned him and somewhat did me. But when his mom got cancer she reconciled things to me and we got close until she died. My real dad started dating a christian lady who i loved and things changed. But then he dumped her for someone else and just treated me like crap. It eventually got where he never came around and since then i havent seen him in 5yrs. Then on my mom's side when I was little my uncle practically raised me til i was 2yrs old. Between the time my parents divorced and i was 4 my mom had married 7 times to 5 different men. She finally married my stepdad now when i was 4. When I was 12 or 13yrs old my cousin raped me. My uncle nor any of my mom's family believed me,so they disowned us. It wasnt until i was 16 and my uncle was dying(the very one who raised me til i was 2) did i say ya know what, it was me who was hurt but i forgive them. When I was 14 i got saved because a friend invited me to church. My mom and stepdad didnt and still dont approve of all i do in church. It almost came to the point where i almost had to move out. My senior year my mom had 2 affairs that i found out about with 2 men i trusted deeply. But i never told anyone i knew besides my youth pastor, who is the only person i trust. There is more, but im not gonna go into detail. I said all of this to say, i have no family that i feel is actually "family". No one i can turn to or trust. For a long time i thought i was just hurt by the ACTIONS they did, but really it goes much deeper. I've forgiven them all, but their is still a void in my life. All i TRULLY want is family that loves me for who i am and is there no matter what, but i dont have that. I love my youth pastor to death, she's been there for me through lots. But she has her own family. My aunt on my dad's side lately and her daughter and my other cousin has been commenting me lately on facebook. im leery of trusting anyone again, of being hurt again. But they all say they have turned to god. Part of me wants to believe SOOOO bad they have and move over to where they are, but i dont want to leave my church. Im torn. It hurts soooo bad not to have real family. My youth pastor has been asking me whats wrong lately, but how do i explain all of this to her? I help with the youth now and people go behind my back saying im just a suck up, but really its just that shes the closest to family i've got. But because of that, ive been isolating myself from everyone. No one can help me but god. They cant be my family. Can anyone understand what im going through?