Ok well...i kind of wanted like...advice, and i cant exactly go to my parents or friends with some of these issues i have, and any other adult i have in my life im not able to speak with at the moment...so i figured...lol why not try the internet? Fair warning...some of my i guess..problems, are sort of...like...blah. Okay the stuff im going to say, im not making light of it or endorsing the behavior...so if some young person reads this, dont do any of the stuff im about to mention, seiously just do not do it. If anything let what im about too say be a lesson to you NOT to make the same mistakes because everything i did ended up hurting me at some point. Im not sure if its okay to talk about some of this stuff on here so if i like...offend somone or somthing than im really really sorry. So im 16, and ive been through quite a lot. And some of the ways i have chosen to deal with the things i have gone through, have not always been good. In fact a lot of the ways i chose to deal with my problems just made them 20 times worse. I have a very strong sense of what is wrong, and what is right. yet i still do everything that is wrong. And the worst part of it is, is that i know its wrong, i know im not supposed too, but i do it anyways. So there is no excuse. I knew it was wrong before i did it, as i was doing it, and when i was done but i did it anyways. I was not forced too, and i had i always had a way out. In order for anyone reading this to be able to understand...the reasons why i have done certain things or like just my mentality i need to kind of tell my life story, sorry this post is so lengthly. So i grew up in a very Christian home, Church was all i knew, and i went to a Christian elementary school. My mother was always a strong Christian, Dad not so much but he went to church for my mom. Mom died when i was 7 years old, a few months after she died we stopped going to church, my dad got remarried, and i had to move to a different province and was enrolled into a public school. I kind of forgot about God because...well now no one talked about him...i didnt even have a Bible anymore, and i used to be very into it like i loved reading my Bible. But at age 8 when you live in a house with two parents who are not remotely relgious and there is no talk of God at all and you are in a public school with only athiest friends...makes it rather difficult. So for years i just went on...without ever praying or thinking of God, until i was about 14 or 15. I was so depressed i just...i was sad all the time. And i thought well i need God so i found a Bible and read it a little. I was like oh okay im going to be a Christian again (and in my mind being a Christian meant, i wont swear as much, i wont start drinking or doing drugs, ill listen to Christian music, and i will try not to have sex before i get married...i was young and stupid lol) I still didnt get it. I had no connection with God at all, did not pray very much, no church, i had nothing. It was good because for about a year i avoided the parties, drugs, drinking, and all that...till one day i got so frustrated that like...i knew some Christians could pray and it was like God was right there with them, it made me upset because i never felt like that. And i started doing the whole "blame God for everything thats wrong in my life because he let it happen" thing. I was so upset that God had "let my mom die, given me so many medical problems (im a type one diabetic....and it is totally not the same as type two..if you dont know the difference than please google it because nothing annoys me more then when i tell someone that i am a Type One Diabetic and they automatically assume that i brought the disease upon myself....type one and type two are not the same you cannot make yourself get Type One) I was mad that he made me ugly, and that i had to leave behind my family, and that he let my dad get re-married to a step-mom who caused me so much pain. At this same time i also went through some stuff with an 18 year old boy, we met online ( i know..how awful that sounds but yeah) he lived really realy close to me, he was a pastors kid, very strong in his faith, respectfull, he became like my best friend, he talked to me about everything he was always there for me, He thought i was beautiful and he said he liked me i mean we both really liked each other, he told his parents about me, i told mine about him...we were going to meet....in my mind i mean....i totally though he was "the one"...i mean he had to have been, i mean it was "fate", we got along so well and just everything, I can honestly say that i did love him. I dont use that term lightly and he is the only guy who i have ever felt that way for. I loved him as much as a 16 year old girl can really love somone. I cared very deeply for him and i always wanted the best for him even if what was best for him was not with me. I lied and told myself that we would end up together, even though...it was obvious we would not. I prayed for God to tell me to stop persuing the guy if he was not the one for me and God never said anything...and he really didnt have to because it was obvious, that and the whole idea of "i will just do what i want and then ask God to tell me to stop if he thinks its wrong"....is stupid. Really i think we are supposed to ask God if we should do somthing BEFORE we do it...that way theres no room for error. The feelings were real, and for about 7 or 8 months he was my world, at first he helped strengthen my faith...but then i became so like love struck over him that i started focusing less on God and more on him, bad idea. We talked aboout God all the time. We also flirted. We really did like each other. And he kept saying how beautiful he thought i was (we talked with webcams) and i felt really guilty. because i have extremely low self esteem and every time he would say these things to me i felt bad. like i dont deserve this. I would tell him "no im not, im not this pretty in real life, my webcam just makes me look prettier, i look thinner on webcam" but he would not let me argue. And i felt so bad, i felt like i was lying because i thought...if he were really here with me...he would not be attracted to my body...webcam makes me look better for some reason. I kept trying to tell him not to waste his time with me because im not good enough, im not pretty enough, im not smart enough, you deserve a girl who is beautiful and smart why are you talking to me? He had comented a few times about wishing to see more of my body (he was struggling to keep his thoughts pure) and so he would tell me when he was having a um..difficult time.He kept saying "I really want to see more of you but i cant ask, i know its wrong" He kept saying it and saying it. And to be honest...the only thing that stopped me from showing myself to him was the fact that i am so uncomfortable with my body. Then after 3 months...i still felt bad that he liked me because im not pretty enough for him so i thought...If i take my shirt off...he will see how fat and ugly i am...and he will stop liking me...and than i wont have to feel bad and he will stop wasting his time. So i offered to take off my shirt, and he took 30 minutes to think about whether or not he should agree to this, finally he said yes, and i was convinced that once he saw me...he would stop liking me....needless to say...it didnt work...he liked what he saw....he still found me very attractive..more than he did before. Thats probably the dumbest thing ive ever done...i mean really..if a guy thinks you are attractive with your clothing on...obviously hes going to think the same once its off. But i was so convinced that once he saw my horrible appearnce...he would be done with me. See I liked him so much, i knew i was going to fall for him and i was scared. I was scared because i had never felt this strongly about anyone before and it was this...amazing feeling and it totally freaked me out. I did not want to fall in love with him and than have him break my heart. So i wanted him to leave me, to stop liking me or get over me....before i fell for him completely. SO those first three months i tried very hard to get him not too like me....but it just did not work. I wanted him to leave then because i knew if he left later it was going to hurt more. But no matter what i told him or did or said...he still liked me the way i was and wanted to help me and just..supported me and taught me a lot about God and his love for me and just..everything. So i stopped holding back, i stopped trying to convince him to not like me. I let myself fall for him completely and in doing so i got very hurt. I was selfish and i liked the attention he gave me, when i talked to him i actually felt good about myself, i felt like i was pretty, like my body was okay. Even when he was not complimenting me, just being with him made me feel better. But i kept doing it...i was so selfish, i care about him so much yet i made him sin...thats terrible. If i really cared i would have covered up to try and help him...not take my clothes off for him. We had gotten so close.., i could and i did tell him anything and everything. he knows my dreams, my secrets, my struggles...we are so close. Yet i corrupted him and made him sin, i came between him and God because i was a distraction too him and i caused him to sin and disobey God. Eventually....we both realized that....we cant do this anymore, i cant take my clothes off for you anymore. And so i stopped. But things changed...he seemed more distant, he wasnt as flirty with me...i knew somthing was different. I knew his feelings for me had changed and i just....i lost it. I totally lost myself, i knew what was going to happen before it happened i could just feel it like i could sense it. And i turned to drugs, and alcohol to deal with it. I started giving into my friends and going to their parties, drinking, smoking pot. The first time i got drunk i also got high, and i ended up making out with a random guy. Before this i had never kissed a boy,, at age 16 i had never been kissed...sadly my memories of my first kiss are bad, i was drunk and had no clue what was going on and this guy he just...yeah started making out with me and it was awful. Then there was one camping trip, i was really depressed because i knew that things with this guy online were about to end, i could just feel it (i had not yet spoken to him as he was busy with work at a summer camp). And so i got very very drunk because i didnt want to feel sad anymore, i didnt want to feel anything. In doing so...i ended up flirting and getting pretty friendly with this guy freind of mine whom i thought was cute...and he started...touching me basically and i just...i didnt stop him. I did not like what was going on and i knew it was wrong but...i was so upset i just i wanted a distraction i wanted to feel somthing other than sadness i wanted to know that mabye there was somone out there who would love me besides the boy that i had fallen for online. And so i let this guy do what he wanted with me, while we did not actually have sex....we did go too far. That whole bit i heard somone say once about how "Virginity has very little to do with physical"...its very true. It doesnt matter how far you do or do not go...its just...i cant explain it but its awful. It makes me so upset because..i did not care about this guy, he did not care about me, my first experience was drunk, i was sad, it was painful and left me physically bruised, he didnt even listen to me, and it was awful, and embarrising, and...everything it was not supposed to be. I told my online boy about what happened, he prayed for me and helped me cope with some stuff. And then it happened. I told him how much i cared for him and asked him to tell me how he felt about me and then he told me, He did not llike me anymore, that we would never date because he knows he will never marry me therfore there is no point in dating me, and that he did not think our personalities would work well together in the long run. He offered to leave my life completely to make it easier for me to get over him but also said he would stay if i wanted him too. I told him i wished to remain friends and stay in contact. So we are still friends and we still talk. My feelings for him are still there and i dont think they will ever really leave. He is a beautiful person whom i care a lot for and i hope that he has a really great life. It really hurts and its really painful but...i figure its worth it to suffer and have a friend in the end instead of taking the easy way out and then having nothing left. Im never angry with him, Sometimes i get upset because he lead me on for so long...he acted like he was my boyfriend, he unknowingly made these promises to me that he could never keep. He didnt realize that i had pretty much given him my heart really. I put him in God's place. I wish i could say that after that horrible heartbreak that i persued God and got closer to him...but i didnt. I became desperate, and scared. Scared that no one was ever going to love me or look at me the way he did. All i could think is "what if hes the only guy who finds me attractive?" and i was just overwhelmed by sadness. I have been through a lot of pain and sadness in my life...Losing my mother as a child was the most painful thing....this has to be the second if not dare i say it, worse than losing my mom. Its awful to say that but....if you could only feel what i felt after he said these words to me...i did not eat or get out of my bed for 3 days. My parents got so scared they called my best friend and asked her to talk to me....my best friend and her mom...had to come to my house, literally like drag me out of bed, put me in their car...and force feed me ice cream when i got to her house. I cried on my bedroom floor with my best freind holding me for about an hour....i cannot describe how that felt. it was the worst feeling. i was a mess. Throughout all this i just i needed an escape. I gave up partying with my friends and stayed home all the time because i could not leave my house i was just too sad. I ended up stripping for random guys on the internet over webcam. I wanted to be distracted and not have to think about him for a few minutes, i wanted to feel attractive and be reassured that i was actually pretty, sometimes i think i just wanted to recreate the feeling i got when i did it for "him". Now im aware that doing that sort of thing for this guy was very wrong. But it was also different...after that first time for him..i mean...when i did it just because i wanted too because i knew it made him happy like....it was a very personal thing you know? it was....there was this emotion behind it all, it was very personal. I wanted to mimic that, recreate it. Of course though...thats impossible to do with these guys whom are strangers to me. They dont care about me like he did, they dont value me and respect me like he did, they dont think im funny and smart like he thought i was, they dont know my life story and know what makes me tick and how to make me smile when im in tears like he does. But they did assure me that i was attractive. I have done it so many times...im ashamed to say i dont know how many, i would not be suprised if i come up on some sort of porn website because one of the guys could have recorded me, how do i know? When i strip for these guys and show them my body...somthing thats meant to be personal. I am emotionless, i dont smile, i dont feel anything anymore, im completely numb to it. I feel better about myself for mabye 5 minutes as these guys tell me how "hot, cute, pretty, etc" i am. and then once its over. i cry. because i feel so worthless, and stupid. Because i know that they dont care about me. ANd i still dont think im beautiful even after that...i still think to myself "If they saw me in real life they would not be so turned on, my webcam makes my skin prettier and makes me look thinner". Now when good guys treat me kindly, i feel guilty. I feel like i dont deserve to be treated well by guys because....i really dont. I feel like i deserve to be treated like an object. Before "him" my very limited expereinces with guys had been bad, they all hurt me or were disrespectful to me or somthing. He was the only one who ever treated me well. And yet here i sit, i cry when i talk to him and he is still nice to me. because i dont deserve it. i deserve to be yelled at and sworn at and treated horribly. I dont deserve kind words, and prayer, and encourgment. im not good enough for that. these are my honest feelings. Which i think is what is making it so hard for me to stop stripping because...im just..doing whats expected of me. i mean...im not really a virgin anymore (while i am techniically...i mean...i went too far even if i did not have sex, wich in my mind means i am not a virgin) ive done so much with guys...and for guys that...im not pure at all. So why shouldnt i do what girls like me are supposed to do? its what would be expected of me. I dont think im "better than that". During all of this...i did eventually find my way to a church, and ended up meeting some great people who have helped me a lot and pray for me a lot. And i started to work through some stuff and i actually did...feel God. I had a lot of expereces with him where it was so obvious he was there and he was speaking to me. Once during communion this lady who was next to me started crying and she goes "I saw your mom in heaven, and shes crying right now, shes crying because shes so happy you came back, shes so glad that her baby finally came home", another time a few weeks after i had recieved the holy spirit, we were in worship and God like..really showed up so we all stopped singing and just like...you know experienced it and took our time to hear what God wanted to say to each of us and i burst into tears, like..this is hard to explain but I felt like God was telling me "You dont have to do this anymore, the things that you have done dont change how i think of you, to me you are beautiful and you dont have to do that stuff anymore, i have forgiven you" the reason i cried was because....i felt his sadness (anyone else ever..had somthing similar?) like for the longest time i thought God must be so freaking mad at me. But he like..let me feel how he feels when i do this sort of stuff...and it makes him really really sad, not angry, he just gets sad. And it brought me to tears. And im ashamed to say...that even after that powerfull experience with God...i still do it. And recently i did find my way back into this..partying scene with my friends. Im slipping backwards again. i keep messing everything up and i feel so..overwhelmed. I know that i need to stop but its like im addicted. Im actually scared to stop, im scared because....boys at school dont pay any attention to me at all okay. Yet when im on webcam on the internet....all of these guys think im pretty, and the ones who i actually talk too like and get to know, they say my personality is awesome and they dont understand why im single since...they think im great. Its so out of balance...in the real world no one cares and guys do not like me at all and its as if i am destined to be alone...online however...guys my age and older, some whom i have stripped for and some whom i have not all seem to think that i am beautiful, and smart, and a great person...and i dont act any differently with them then i do with guys in real life (aside from the stripping...and stuff). So i dont understand what it is....my webcam must make me look prettier or somthing. Im scared of stopping because once i stop...i will no longer have anyone to tell me who i am. I wont have anyone to tell me i am beautiful, or pretty. I will have no reassurance. And that terrifys me, i need to know that i am good enough. Clearly i have i guess "body image" issues. I struggle with just...everything, The insulin i have taken for the past 8 years has caused me to gain wieght (sometimes if you are a type one diabetic who needs to take really large amounts of insulin to control your blood sugar levals, it will result in wieght gain, and no matter how much you diet, or work out...it doesnt stop it since...you need to take your medication every day...and thats what is causing the wieght gain) being a teenage girl.....its not easy to control my blood sugars. No matter how much i exsersize and eat super healthy and check my blood sugar levals and time everything perfectly....i cant get good numbers. Horomones are the biggest thing that screw around with my results. So the doctor has to give me more insulin to lower my blood sugar levals since...nothing else works. And i have put on wieght from this....so i have no self confidence. im just...this really ugly,fat girl. I feel like..if i could just be really skinny...then i would be attractive...and then everything would be okay because some guy would like me..and i would not be alone..and i could just relax and breathe for a minute and stop worrying. This has made me develop what is called "diabullimia" its a disease that some teenage girls whom have type one diabetes develop. Its when you stop taking your insulin for fear of gaining wieght...my body doesnt produce insulin so it is vital that i take it every day at the proper time and take the correct amount. But sometimes i just cant do it...because im so scared if gaining more weight, so sometimes i go days at a time...without taking my shots, or eating, and then trying to work out even though my blood sugars are so unstable. its really dangerous and i have actually ended up in the hospital because of this about 4 or 5 times. i have taken less than half of the amount of insulin i am supposed to take these past 3 days. I just..i get so scared and overwhelmed it feels like i have no other choice. Sometimes i just really wish i could die, i hate feeling all of this pain, fear, sadness, guilt. i just i cant live like this any more i really cant do it. Im not suicidal..but i have no desire to live. I would never try killing myself because im scared of how much it would hurt physically and im scared of not actually dying once i try, and it scares me to think i might end up in hell. But i wish i could die right now..just so i could have some peace and stop feeling everything. I kinda just wanna..go into a coma for the rest of my life and never wake up, to be able to sleep for 30 years or so and not have to deal with this stuff or worry about anything...would be so amazing. i feel like im two different people...one side of me wants to do whats right and live for God and just give my life to him and do whatever he calls me to do..the other part of me just cant bring myself to do that because im so scared and wants to remain the worldly person that i am. I used to have these like..huge plans and dreams for my life, all these things i wanted to go and do...and now i just have no desire to do anything. Who i am, and who i wish i was, who i want to be....are two completely different people. im insanely sorry this was so long, and that i rambled for so long, i just...if anyone has some advice....or a similar experience or can relate .....please respond. Im losing it.