Captain's Guide of What Not to do in Church is a very great boook written by Captain Jim. It is full of many hilaroius things that you should not be doing at church. You can find such a book on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com. Also stay tooned for the Next book coming out, Captain's guide of What Not to do in Church. IIB) ;) :) :P :laugh: :ohmy: :sick: :angry: :blink: :( :unsure: :kiss: :woohoo: :lol: :silly: :pinch: :side: :whistle: :evil: :S :blush: :cheer: :huh: :dry: Examples from this book: • Sleeping - We all have those times when we are just really tired. It could be from the job the day before or just staying up to watch that new show on TV. But when at church, it is best to try and stay awake. If you fall asleep, ANYTHING could happen. Someone could take your Bible while you're sleeping and hide it somewhere; then there's the possibility that you could snore; then there is the possibility that if you talk in your sleep that you might say something you wouldn't want anyone to hear; if you sleep walk, you might walk right up to the pastor and start kicking him because you're having a dream that a monster is attacking you; or if you have a bedwetting problem, you might go right on the pew, causing a smell to fill the whole church. So if you know that you are going to fall asleep, keep some coffee or an energy drink hidden within the church. Just avoid bringing a pillow with you because someone might grab it while you're asleep causing you to bang your head on the pew. But usually there is someone next to you who will smack your head as soon as the first signs of drool are flowing out of your mouth. • Tripping the Ushers - Usually in church an usher walks along the edge of the aisles to pass the collection plate. In doing this the usher has left himself vulnerable to any person tripping him. But you shouldn't be that person that trips him. The usher that you trip might have collected a lot of change that day, so tripping him would allow change to go all over the place and the ushers might make you pick all of it up. So if you really want to trip an usher, do it closer to the front of the church so there's really no money collected yet. Or pick a younger usher that can't yell at you because an older usher will. Plus, there is less of a chance of breaking an older persons bones because their bones are very brittle. Also, there is a possibility that the usher could hit their head on the edge of the pew which could cause things such as glasses or the usher's nose to break, or the offering plate could get dented. The usher could tear his suit jacket and then lose his usher badge, too. If a young usher experiences a fall, he can become traumatized about falling down. So when doing this, don't make it look like you tripped him, because the ushers might just escort you right out of the church and make you watch the service from the outside windows. The key thing is don't do it and if you do, just don't get caught. • Singing Out of Tune - Church hymns are very fun to sing and a very important part of worship. But when singing, it is important not to bring attention to yourself by the way you sing. People will laugh, point, or avoid sitting near you. You always know if there is a problem with your singing when the people sitting directly in front of you turn around and look at you with a surprised look or smirk on their face. Sometimes they won't laugh at all and think that you are doing it on purpose. This is not good either. If the wrong person hears you, he or she might speak to you afterwards and tell you that you stink at singing, and to go get some lessons. So avoid singing out of tune. A solution to your poor singing is to mouth the words. It's not fair to subject the people around you to lousy singing. So mouth the words or sing softly.

Post edited by: CGOWNTDIC, at: 2006/12/13 10:30

Hehe that's awesome I wanna go out and buy that book now! Go Cap'n Jim for writing this!!!