Desiree Beimler

I could picture Myself with someone But that someone Was just a shadow I could see Me walking down the beach The shadow?s hand In mine It had no shape It had no form It didn?t look like anyone Just an abstract shadow Slowly it took form Slowly I could see its height Its form and its posture Slowly I could see who it was Now I know There is no more shadow I can picture myself With his arm around me With his lips on mine With my head on his chest Sitting and talking Sitting and listening And simply holding hands As the shadow took its shape So did my feelings I hope that his do too But that, only time will tell

I was so pure I was so innocent But now I?m dirty And he made me this way. Where is my cure To make me innocent To make me happy To change me from my ways? I feel alone Like no one can understand I?m by myself again Walking solo down the halls. Why did I let him take My happiness away? And how do I get it back? I can?t ignore this pain, I can?t push it to the side. It follows me around Like a little puppy dog And it won?t leave me alone I want it to go away I beg it to go away But yet it follows And it always will. So how do I get my happiness back? Will I get back my purity? And how about my innocence? I want this to go away But it never will.

Hey! I just feel like writing to get stuff off of my chest. So, my life has been totally screwed up lately! Everything's so weird! I mean, I've been truly single for over a month, that hasn't happened since before my first boyfriend cuz there's always been a guy that like i flirt with just him, but not this time. But actually, that's why a lot of people say that i move through guys fast and that's not true at all. I mean, come on, my three real relationships, two of them have been 10 months, the last 8 1/2, i just move on pretty fast. But yeah, anyways, I'm like super confused about myself right now. I've never felt this way before, it's like, I don't even know who I am anymore. I gave so much up for my last boyfriend, my faith, my values, my beliefs, myself, just to make sure that he would love me, and then he leaves me for one of his old girlfriend anyways. It leaves behind this sense of insecurity, of loneliness, and of self-consciousness. Was I not good enough for him? Did I not treat him good enough? And while I know that the answers to all of these questions running through my mind are no, they still run. I became who he wanted me to be, and now I don't know who I am, I don't know what I want, I don't know what I like, I don't know what I think or feel. All I know is him. I have to get my life back to the way it was before. I have to find myself and meet myself, I have to reconnect with old friends and with God, and I have to fix things with my parents. But most of all I have to get over him, and the hurt and anger he left behind, and i have to get over the fact that she was one of my best friends and then went out with the man that i really did love with all of my heart. I have to become me again, I have to enter my body again, not live life floating above my head watching as i participate in life, i have to be me, and until then.... well... i guess no one will be able to see the real me cuz i don't even know... but i'm going to find me... somehow....