Josh Trevena

A group of performers from the UCB Theatre got together to see the Yankees/Tigers game on Wednesday, August 30th. A few weeks before the game, Agent Lathan approached me about doing a favorite prank of his at the stadium. He stumbled onto the prank by accident at Fenway Park back in 2001. After leaving his seat at Fenway to hit the concession stand, he had a difficult time finding his way back. His friends started shouting at him, trying to get his attention, and pretty quickly several strangers in the section began shouting his name as well. Agent Lathan decided to keep it going by pretending he couldn’t hear them and pretty soon the entire section was frantically yelling his name. He did the prank again at Shea Stadium in 2002 (this time on purpose) on a slightly larger scale. For the Yankee Stadium version, the goal would be to spread the prank over many sections, trying to get as many people as possible involved in bringing “Rob” back to his seat.

Unfortunately, Yankee Stadium does not allow any video cameras or backpacks; so smuggling in filming equipment would be nearly impossible. Agent Lathan decided to pull the prank anyway, even if we couldn’t film it. Fortunately several members of our group brought cameras to the game and were able to snap photos and take some footage using their camera’s “movie mode”.

Rob waited until the 6th Inning to begin his journey. After a beautiful sunset, he left our section in the right field upper deck to grab some food. He returned moments later with a large cardboard tray filled with beer and popcorn. Although he was walking in the aisle right by our group, Rob couldn’t seem to locate us. The few of us who were in on the prank from the beginning hopped up and started yelling, “Rob!!!” and waving our hands. Rob just stared past us with a vacant look on his face, neither hearing nor seeing us. The rest of our group started yelling his name as well, but no one could seem to get his attention. As he started walking back down the aisle, strangers started yelling his name as well, but he kept walking down and eventually disappeared through the tunnel.

About five minutes later Rob appeared again, this time two sections to our left.

Someone from our group spotted him and we all started yelling his name again. There were now two sections in between our group and Rob, so everyone in between got involved and started yelling “Rob!” trying to help out. Although the photos are a little blurry, it was actually very easy to spot Rob. He’s a tall guy, and he was wearing a very recognizable red, white, and blue shirt (much like everyone’s favorite person to spot in a crowd, “Waldo”.) Rob just kept walking up and down the stairs, looking quite pitiful with his huge platter of concessions. He disappeared again into the tunnel, and everyone sat back down. People around us were laughing and trying to figure out what was wrong with him. One guy asked me how much he Rob had had to drink. “One too many, I think,” I told him.

After another five minutes passed, Rob very quickly appeared in the section just to the left of us, the one in the middle of the two sections he had already searched. His head emerged from the tunnel and he looked around for about ten seconds before disappearing again. All three sections in our corner lept to their feet and screamed his name, but he was gone in a flash.

At this point the game got pretty interesting. The Yankees had a few people on base and looked like they were about to tie the game. Yankee fans forgot about Rob and got back into the game. Pretty soon, the Tigers decided to change pitchers and this provided a nice lull for Rob to strike again. This time he appeared seven sections away. Agent Kula and I spotted him and started pointing and screaming his name as loud as we could. Very quickly the entire right field section was on their feet trying to get his attention. Rob cocked his head our way as if he could hear something, but once again disappeared into the tunnel.

At this point enthusiasm for helping Rob had grown so large that other groups of people were even more excited about it than we were. A group of guys sitting directly behind us began leading a series of chants as they waited for Rob to appear again. Several rounds of “WHERE IS ROB? WHERE IS ROB? WHERE IS ROB?” were followed by the somewhat cruel, “ROB’S RETARDED (CLAP CLAP, CLAP CLAP CLAP).” Several sections joined in on the chat as everyone speculated what was going on with Rob.

The Yankees ended up scoring three runs in the bottom of the 6th to go ahead 2 - 3. Shortly after the inning ended, Agent Kula spotted Rob on the complete opposite side of the stadium. Rob was so confused that he somehow found himself in the far most section in left field.

Word traveled quickly through the upper deck. Sections full of strangers started waving their hands at Rob, barely making out his white shirt from across the way.

Rob of course couldn’t hear our yelling from the other side of the stadium. He gave up and ducked back through the tunnel after searching up and down the aisle. The 7th inning stretch provided another break from Rob spotting, but as soon it was over Rob appeared again. This time he was somehow in the lower level, right by the Yankees dugout!

This appearance marked Rob’s 6th attempt at finding his seats. You can track his journey on this map, with his sightings numbered. His original seat was in section 33 in the right-hand corner.

At the halfway point of the 8th inning, Rob appeared again, this time right in front of us. The upper deck erupted with cheers as everyone chanted “Rob! Rob! Rob!” and pointed towards his seat.

Many fans wanted a photo of Rob, and some even wanted to meet him and get their photos taken with him personally. Rob was so lost that he somehow reached celebrity status, and folks wanted to remember their encounter with him.

The photos do a good job of showing how happy everyone was to see Rob finally find his seat, but the video truly captures the roar of the crowd upon his return. This was shot by Agent Corrigan with a digital still camera on “movie mode”, the best equipment we were able to get inside the stadium.

Rob took his seat and watched the last two innings. Every few minutes people would walk up to him to say hello and snap a photo. The guys behind us started up another “Rob’s retarded” chant. Rob just smiled and waved.

The Tigers scored three runs in the 9th inning and went on to win the game. As we were leaving the stadium, Yankee fans’ spirits were lifted when they spotted Rob. As he walked down the exit ramp a huge chant broke out in his honor as fans shook his hand and gave him high fives.

Featuring: Simmons, Todd, Kula, Balaban, Krafft, Skillman

Digital Photography: Agents Kula & Todd
DV Cam (hidden): Agent Kula

About a month ago, I was brainstorming a mission idea with a few friends called “Five Star Fast Food”. The idea was to deck out a fast food joint with all the trappings of a five star restaurant. There would be a Maitre D’ standing behind a podium asking for your reservation, a hostess to seat you, a waiter to take your order, and an attendant in the bathroom. The obvious problem with this idea is that it would very likely be shut down as soon as it begins. I decided to focus on the bathroom attendant aspect, figuring that we could last much longer in a secluded men’s room.

The next step was to pick the perfect restroom. The challenge here is that pretty much every fast food place in New York has a single occupancy bathroom, many of which require a key for entry. I needed to find a single-gender, multi-occupancy restroom. After spending about a week surveying various disgusting locations, I finally found what I needed in Times Square.

The Times Square McDonald’s is a sight to see. Its facade is made to look like a Broadway theatre; in fact, it’s adjacent to the Lion King. It’s three stories tall, has menus on flat-screen TVs, and movie projections on its walls. On the third floor in the very back corner, it has a very large men’s room with three urinals, two stalls, and four sinks.

The men’s room also conveniently had a “Diaper Changing Station” that would double as our amenities table.

The next step was to find our employee. My friend Todd Simmons worked as a professional bathroom attendant for three years in Manhattan. Obviously, he was the logical choice to play the part. His experience would enable him to be totally comfortable and natural throughout the mission. He knew all of the tricks of the trade.

I spent about $50 gathering supplies for the mission. I hit up K-Mart, Rite Aid, and various dollar stores for “travel-size” toiletries. Our attendant had it all: cologne, deodorant, mints, gum, dental floss, Tylenol, Advil, condoms, shaving cream, disposable razors, Q-tips, baby powder, Gold Bond, Band-Aids, cough drops, mouthwash, plastic cups, hair gel, Kleenex, and our crown jewel–a “Barbicide” canister filled with actual Barbicide and several combs. Our wares would be presented on two silver trays on top of a lace tablecloth.

We arrived at the McDonald’s at about 1:45 in the afternoon. We each ordered food and sat down at tables close to the bathrooms. There were two cops finishing up their meal just a few tables away. We figured the male cop would probably use the facilities before leaving, so we waited it out. We were correct; he took a quick trip to the men’s room and then left the scene. We sprang into action. Agent Simmons had a tuxedo concealed under his winter coat. Agent Todd carried a large K-Mart shopping bag with all of the supplies. Within two minutes our table was ready to go.

Agent Kula handled digital video and photography for this mission. He hid his DV camera inside a Kleenex box and pointed it towards the door. We were a little worried about the legal implications of covertly filming men of all ages in a bathroom. Agent Simmons carried a decoy tape in his pocket in case management discovered us and demanded our tape.

Agent Simmons stood in front of the automatic hand dryers, essentially blocking access to them. He was armed with a dispenser of antibacterial hand soap (much better than the pink industrial soap on the wall) and nice paper towels. If folks were going to wash their hands, they weren’t going to dry them without using our attendant.

Since our McDonald’s was located in Times Square, we received visitors from all over the world. Agent Simmons’ first customers were a group of British school boys, visiting the US on a school trip.

The first two boys to enter were terribly excited about the attendant. They cheerily washed their hands and both took peppermints on the way out

Several IE Agents (Balaban, Krafft, Skillman, & Todd) were sitting just outside of the bathroom to observe the reactions of people as they left. The boys came running out of the bathroom anxious to report back to the rest of the group. “Heather!” one boy cried, “They’ve got a butler in the bathroom and he gave us sweets!”

The group’s chaperone made a trip to the bathroom to investigate the boys claims.

His accent was unbelievably thick, but it was clear he was delighted that there was someone in the room to “help the boys wash up”. He shook Agent Simmons’ hand, explaining “the kids are astonished because they don’t do this in England.”

Several more boys entered the bathroom to take part in the fun. The original boys returned twice to get more sweets, and then stood outside the door bragging to their female classmates.

Things quieted down for a bit after the British group left.

About ten minutes in to the mission, the first McDonald’s employee entered the room. His nametag read “Roman”, and he didn’t seem to speak very much English.

Agent Simmons’ approached Roman warmly. “Hey there. I’m Todd. I’m from Corporate McDonald’s. We’re trying out a new promotion today.” Roman quickly shuffled out of the bathroom with out speaking. He would return several times throughout the mission to sweep, ignoring Agent Simmons each time.

A man and his young child visited the bathroom. The father had to pick his son up so Agent Simmons could help him wash his hands. He tipped $1. Agent Simmons made it clear that tips were entirely optional and that his services were provided free of charge. He made small talk with everyone who entered the room, asking them where they were from, if they had seen a Broadway play, etc. He also peppered McDonald’s slogans in to his banter. “We’re lovin’ it today and we hope you are too.” “You deserve a break today.” “We like to see you smile, sir.”

The man pictured above was a tourist visiting from South Korea. He and Agent Simmons had a two minute conversation about the weather. “I always carry an umbrella because I hate rain,” the man said.

The man above was seeking cold water, and was disappointed to hear that the faucets were only providing hot water today.

A second employee entered the bathroom, Rafael. He sweeps and leaves, giving Simmons a suspicious eye, but not responding to Simmons’ friendly banter.

The man pictured about spent over five minutes in the bathroom, brushing his teeth (he brought his own toothbrush and tooth paste). He turned out to be the CFO of Hitachi visiting from Japan.

He had just seen the Broadway musical “Mama Mia!” and gave Agent Simmons a brief review. “It was so-so. The songs were very clever, but that’s all. I like the ABBA songs, but the plot is very simple.” He went on to say that you can “see good musicals in Japan, but in the United States–especially New York–they’re fantastic.”

The young man pictured above was very curious. He asked Agent Simmons’, “This is a good paying job?” He then revealed that his step-father used to be a bathroom attendant in Brooklyn. As Agent Simmons shared a smile with him, a third employee began shouting from the door.

It was a female employee dressed the same as Roman and Rafael. She didn’t speak very much English either, so Agent Simmons had a hard time communicating with her. “Only muchachos,” he tried to explain. She responded, “Nobody else? I go in?” She waited until all of the men had exited the room and then came in to get a closer look at Agent Simmons’ setup. He tried to calm her, “We work together. Te llamo Evelyn?” She quickly left.

Many folks were kind enough to tip throughout the day. Agent Simmons made a total of $6.92.

The international theme continued as the day went on. Agent Simmons’ was visted by a group of Germans, a Russian gentleman, and a couple of guys from Yonkers, NY.

A German man wanted to know if Agent Simmons worked for McDonald’s or by himself. Once Simmons explained to him that it was a McDonald’s promotion, he decided, “I like the idea. Sounds good.” The bathroom got quite crowded at certain points. All in all, Agent Simmons helped around fifty customers.

Evelyn, the female employee, must have alerted the management. A gentleman wearing a tie entered just as Simmons was explaining the McDonald’s philosophy to a customer, “We don’t want to be a part of the same fast food culture as everyone else. McDonald’s is the biggest, the best, and this is Broadway!”

The manager didn’t know how to respond. He stuttered for a moment and finally burst out with “Y-Y-You don’t have any authorization to do this.”

“Yes, I do,” Simmons responded. “I’m Todd. I’m from the corporate office.”

The Manager shook his head and gave his name, Ted. “This is part of a special promotion. They didn’t send you a memo or a fax?”

Manager: I’ll call. They didn’t tell me anything about this. Lemme call.
Agent Simmons: We started in Akron, Ohio and the Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon.
Manager: You’re sure you’re in the right McDonald’s?
Agent Simmons: I hope so. I sure hope so!
Manager: No problem.

Manager Ted left the bathroom to place a call to corporate. We captured this entire exchange with the manager Ted on our hidden camera.

After the manager left, Agent Kula quickly swooped in and grabbed our hidden camera. We couldn’t risk losing our footage at this point. Agent Simmons remained in the bathroom and continued doing his job. The manager returned about five minutes later.

Manager: My regional manager hasn’t heard anything either. I can’t get in touch with corporate right now because it’s a Sunday.
Agent Simmons: You know, I told them it was a bad idea to do it on a Sunday for that very reason. Why not a Friday or Saturday?
Manager: You’re sure you got the right place?
Agent Simmons: Are there other McDonald’s in the city?
Manager: (shocked) Yeah.
Agent Simmons: Oh.
Manager: Maybe you meant to go to 34th Street?
Agent Simmons: Could be. That definitely sounds familiar.
Manager: Ok. Well I have a message in with corporate. Let’s wait and see what they say when they call back.

Ted left the bathroom again and waited at the other corner of the building for his return call. In the meantime, IE Agents swooped in and disassembled our table. We tossed everything back into our shopping bag.

We quickly left the McDonald’s without being noticed by the manager. The only evidence of our fun was the plastic bowl of peppermints we left behind.

Agent Simmons gave excellent service for nearly an hour in the Times Square McDonald’s. Almost everyone he encountered enthusiastically used his services, and many folks were kind enough to leave a tip. No one questioned Agent Simmon’s story the entire time. Even the manager convinced himself that this wasn’t a prank, but a simple misunderstanding. Surely we were just at the wrong McDonald’s.