I remember on more than one occasion, as a small boy, sitting on the sidelines watching others have fun while I was excluded. It felt miserable?and I enjoyed it.
It wasn?t that I didn?t have an opportunity to play, or eat treats, or whatever was going on. Quite the contrary?the more people urged me to participate, the more I delighted in punishing myself by refusing. The reason? I was feeling really sorry for myself.
More than likely, my reasons for not participating didn?t even make sense. They didn?t have to. My feelings were hurt, and that was all the reason I needed.
It never occurred to me that the only person I was hurting was me.
Others would, after exhausting their efforts to draw me in, finally shrug and walk away. They went on to have a wonderful time, while I punished myself all by myself.
I wish I could say that I left that behavior behind definitively when I grew up. The truth is, though, I?ve reverted to it more often than I care to admit.
Not that the things that have happened in my life are trivial. No, I?ve suffered my fair share ? and perhaps way more than my fair share ? of real, genuine, gut-wrenching hurt. I?ve lost everything more than once. I?ve been hurt to the point where my defense mechanisms have kicked in and numbed me to most emotions. Yes, the pain has been real, and the scars are vivid today in their reminders.
And on days when I allow myself a little mental and spiritual carelessness, the old me wants to slip back to the sidelines and sulk, hoping someone will notice and feel sorry for me.
There, I said it. Now, since I did, maybe you?ll be just as honest and admit it happens to you, too.
The scary thing is that self-pity is more than just a few bad days and a rotten attitude. It?s really rebellion. If we truly believe what we preach ? that the steps of a man are ordered of the Lord, as Proverbs affirms ? then our lapses into self-pity are really expressions of anger against a God who has allowed pain in our lives that we feel is unwarranted and unjustified. If He really loved and cared for us, He wouldn?t let us hurt. Everything would always go our way?right?
Jonah: ?God, I?m really upset with you. You let this vine that was shading me die, and you don?t even care.?
God: ?Jonah, I?m really upset with you. You were getting ready to let 120,000 people die, and you didn?t even care.?
To be sent to the wicked Gentile city of Nineveh was an ignominy Jonah felt was too much to ask. It was really an insult. He was called to be a prophet to God?s chosen nation?not to a bunch of heathens who would gladly kill him if given the chance.
But Jonah?you were called to be God?s man. Being sent to preach to a pagan city may not fit your plans at all, but God?s ways are higher than yours, and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts.
And in the end, Jonah, your self-pity paralyzed you in the face of God?s calling and caused you to run the other way. You could have saved yourself a lot of trouble just by learning to say the simple words, ?Yes, Lord.?
Following Jesus means saying ?no? to a lot of your own plans. In fact, Jesus said you can?t be His disciple unless you learn to say ?no? to your own will and follow Him?where He wants to go. That may be in a totally different direction than you planned. So get off the sidelines and report for duty. Pray through your self-pity. Nineveh needs you.
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